At some time in each of our lives there was likely someone older and wiser who directed these words to each of us “what goes around comes around”. For me, that was usually said when I did something that person didn’t like or when I failed to do something they thought I should have done. The comment, and others similar, didn’t mean much at the time; if I thought I should have done it (or not done it) another way, I would have. Sage wisdom was lost on me. I recall particularly the subject coming up when my brother and I were driving our mom nuts with our petty bickering, though her quip then was more along the lines of “I can’t wait for you two to have children of your own”. It was not until I had children, who occasionally bickered, that I realized that my mother’s statement wasn’t because she yearned to be a grandmother. No, her point was that when my brother and I were lucky enough to be blessed with children, we would see just how precious (and sometimes not so much) those children could be; and that we could never quite appreciate how she felt as the “reluctant yet perpetual referee”. But I’ve moseyed off my point.

My aunt from New Jersey always remembered us on our birthday. She remembers our children on theirs. For a long time, she sent real gifts that she and my uncle had ventured out and shopped for; selected things that they knew were in the area of something we would like or something that they found interesting and thought would be fun for us. My mother would tell us to send her a thank you note. More times than not, we did not do so. Somehow we always knew that my aunt expected to be thanked and was disappointed that we didn’t thank her. I suspect to some degree she believed it to be a reflection of my mother, that through lack of proper training we didn’t extend the appropriate courtesy. My mother suggested and prodded and bargained with us. By all recollections, those tactics rarely worked.

Fast forward to my own offspring’s younger days. Gifts and cards would arrive from New Jersey (or whatever state my aunt/uncle were summering or wintering in at the time) for my kids’ special days. They’d get all excited and enjoy the gift and that people thought of them, but no matter how much I poke and prodded, rarely did they send a “thank you” note. It progressed to a point when I told them I wouldn’t give them the gift if they didn’t promise to send a note. After that, it became, “don’t open it if you aren’t willing to send a ‘thank you’”. They are both adults now and have learned many positive things we tried to teach them but I confess that I don’t think sending “thank you” notes is on that list.

Now I am the first to admit how far from perfect I am. While the list is endless, I am particularly bothered now and again when I remember that I still haven’t properly thanked my SIL Connie for something very nice that she made for me nearly a year ago. But through all of my own faults I am still hurt sometimes by the same thing that I am sure my aunt was hurt by year after year after year by my own selfishness.

I read today that it is considered a competitive advantage in the business world these days for companies and employees to extend a simple “thank you” to their customers. Nearly five out of every 10 people don’t always say thanks – remembering to do so is a sales point difference. What kind of world is it where extending common courtesies helps you stand out? Has common become “old-time”? Is gratitude and appreciation now a “quaint” custom rather than the norm? The sad thing is, in my experience, this is not just limited to the business world.

Most people don’t – I don’t – extend the gift of time or tangibles to people for the sole purpose of receiving an expression of gratitude in return. I don’t usually stop giving my time or other resources to someone because they didn’t ‘adequately’ appreciate my efforts in the past. I just wish my aunt could read this – for the greatest gift she ever gave me may just have been 40-something years in the making – understanding deep down why a thank you means far more to the recipient (of the thank you) than it ever will to the giver. Or does it REALLY?